I am a female. Home-schooled high school senior. Will be 18 in 2 weeks. Being home-schooled has definitely taken its toll on me now. I can't even write why I am so depressed because I have already tried that and it ends up being way too long so I'm not even going to attempt it. Every day I think of the things that depress me and I feel so horrible. I am almost 18 and my whole life seems to suck so much. I feel like I wasted 18 years of my life that I'll never be able to get back. Years that are so fun for other kids my age that I didn't and will never get. Sometimes I get so depressed that I have suicidal thoughts. I ultimately know I'm not going to do that but I like to imagine it for some reason, just like a "what if" thought. For over a year I have been this way. I never do schoolwork and only have 1 high school credit (yes, you read that correctly). I have never had a boyfriend. I have only had 1 friend my whole life (that I don't have anymore because she moved when I was 12). I don't wear makeup. I don't wear normal clothes, I wear crappy tomboy soccer clothes. I don't have long nails. I don't have a driver's license and just got my driver's permit at 17. I suck at driving. I have never had a job. I am embarrassed to get on social media. My Facebook profile picture is my first profile picture from 5 years ago when I was 13. I never interact with anyone and never want to get out of the house because I am so embarrassed. I sleep in because I never want to wakeup.
Added (1). I wakeup every day between noon and 2, sometimes 3 (yes, p.m.). My mom took me to apply for a job once and I never got out of the car because I was too embarrassed of my whole life. She ended up kicking me out of the car and told me to walk home (which was only a mile away). I got in a fight with my narcissistic father the same week because he was being an ****** to me for no reason so I ran away and came home hours after dark (during the summer).
Added (2). That wasn’t the first time he was being an ******. He has a rich history of being one and continues to be one. He and my mom have had problems in the past and still do because of him. My mom is normal. My 12- and 15-year-old brothers kiss his butt because if you kiss his butt he’ll shower you with expensive gifts and will buy you whatever you want. My phone broke over a year ago and he bought me an iPhone but I took it back because I knew he would hold it over my head.
Added (3). So for over a year I haven’t had a cell phone and I’m 17 almost 18. I never accept anything form him so I have nothing and he doesn’t have to pa for me. He won’t even put me on his car insurance plan so I can practice driving. We are on food stamps. We live in a crappy “house†where we all live in the same room. He “bought†it from is seedy “friend†for like $5k so he doesn’t have a mortgage. He doesn’t even have a job. He started a business but his friend does literally everything.
Added (4). He doesn’t even go to check on it. EVER. He just goes to the ATM to collect the money. And he didn’t even use his own money to start the business. He used my mom’s money that she got from my mom’s passing. He is going back to college at the state flagship university but his kids are all home-schooled and neglected socially and educationally. And he doesn’t care. And no one else does but my mom and I. I love my mom to death but even she is embarrassed of me.
Added (5). I love my mom to death but even she is embarrassed of me. She has said to me things like “girls your age are doing (insert whatever here)â€. When I was 16 I wanted to be emancipated because I hated my dad and was tired of him. He has threatened in the past that he can’t wait until I turn 18 so he can kick me out. Here lately he has tried to kiss my butt for some reason so he’s being all nice to me now. But I know it’s fake and never lasts. His core is rotten.
Read more: My major depression is killing me every day?
