I go to the gym 3 times a week to swim, to keep fit, lose weight and keep on top of my health… I have mental health problems -ptsd and a personality disorder and i try hard to give the impression i'm in control, confident and know what i'm doing… But its a real struggle and effort… And often i think people perceive that 'i'm all over the place' and ' don't have it together ' in my mind… Or are 'out of control'.
and it breaks my heart to think people can see that, as i try to cover my psychological problems up.
but when i'm at the gym i see other men who appear to have it all together, and appear to be naturally confident, happy and in control… And that makes me feel really inadequate, inferior and angry… Because i imagine their lives are worlds apart from mine… They have wives, kids, house mortgage etc… Because i want that too.
i was reminded that these people i see at the gym probably haven't had my life or had my struggles to put up with… Thats why they look confident, happy and effortlessly in control… But i still feel angry about it.
in comparison i'm a man who lives alone in a flat, live on benefits, never found adult relationships, had a hard life… Have difficult psychological problems… That is why i find it difficult to be in control in public.
what do you think?
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